Jelena Savic

I am a fuckn artist!

Why do I want to know anything about men except what feminists told me? June 24, 2018

Its tiring, its tiring this feminist insisting on onedimensionality of masculinity. I cannot stand anymore this condescending look in their feminist eyes and their righteous position while they ask “but why you speak about him? Tell me how you feel?” After 18 years of focusing on what I feel,  I think I know now quite well how to detect and analyze how I feel. And it did not help me much to know how he feels or why he feels that. “But why do you want to know how he feels?” God, how dehumanizing this sounds. “Why is it important how he feels?”. And then  “why are you trying to find excuses for him”. No, I am not, I am trying to understand reasoning behind it.  “Why you try to invest in that relation when he was bad to you?”. Because sometimes you do that with other people since you know their limits and you have certain principles. Trying to justify my demeanor to feminist women.

I need you feminist women to stop asking these questions and make me feel like I am doing something criminal and stupid which makes you so much smarter and better than me. Why anybody needs to know how anybody feels and why they do things? Why is it important to any human to know how any other human feels and why this human feels that way?

I am tired of this image of men who are so one dimensional.  Yes, so many of them act as simple users of women as goods, yes. But for once, can we think about them as non onedimensional creatures?

If they are robots, then so are you. You fckn think you are so much better since you learned your feminist theories. You fckn have so much hubris that it is un fckn belivable. As any Roma or black women will tell you about white feminists. You are not above anything which is gender or race or class defined. You are not above this word of patriarchy. You are a product of it. You, exactly at the point you try to show me my way, to enlighten me with you feminist learned parroted questions of “how do you feel”.

After me being 18 years asking myself the same question on the endless workshops and seminars where feminists were walking as queens, going through the shit and  blood of my traumas and my wounds. You think you are so much above to tell me I should once again just deal with my emotions, lay it out so nicely to fit to the idea of privileged men and violated women, like my hands are not full of scars of dealing with them already. Like again, you know what is the best thing to do. Yes, it helped me, yes, its necessary, yes every woman should be supported to care about herself . But, that’s where this mantra stops.

You fckn do not want to look further, do you? You are limited. Your theories are limited. They do not help me, fck they do not even help you. You need to stop exercising your righteous mastery over other women, discipline them to think by the book.

Your fckn feminism did not help me to be able to understand patriarchy fully. No. It did not help me to have empathy to little boys since all you thought me to see in them are future beaters of women. You did not teach me how to understand men in all their complexities, as humans.

But you did thought me to believe that every women is my sister. You wanted me to believe that for real. You fckn liars. You never talked about your own violence against me. You hated me for asking questions about your own violence, you punished me from above, with your sarcasm from the position of power, humiliated me, made me feel ignorant and ashamed as much as men did. No, the harshest pain I felt when I was betrayed by my feminist sisters. Not to mention my Roma sisters, not men.

Your theories are limited. They are useful, they are important, every women should be a feminist, but its also a limited tool to understand the complexity of human relations.  Its not enough to understand patriarchy. You so often do not want to recognize your own embededness  in patriarchy so I do not believe you anymore. Its just equal to the idea that absolute knowledge is possible from nowhere. Just to stand on the feminist books, and there you are, real feminist, asking  why do I need to understand why men behave as they do beyond the onedimensional usual feminist interpretation of them being entitled bastards.

And its not that many of them do not behave like that often, but its not the whole story. You are again not telling something. It looks like there is something in my experience about which you, again, do not want to talk. What is it? You do not see it in your life? You do not have complex relations with men? Or you just do not want to see it? Your theories do not cover that.  No feminist theory helped me much to understand the humanity of men.

And I understand that resources should go to the side of the less privileged. But please, do not fckn come and shower me with your condescending feminists ethics of care, and your “dear”  and your presumption about men,  as they are brutal. They are so fckn brutal as stereotypes about women in patriarchy are. And while your traumas are real, and you have a right to feel whatever you want towards men, I have no interest in confirming all your stereotypes about other people you put in the box of your theories.

I do not have an interest in siding with you there, since you already proved not worthy of blind trust.  I find it insulting that feminists would expect me to listen their bullshiting and stereotypes about men, and even condescending stereotypes of other women in relation to men, me in relation to men. Your pushing into the box is just unbearable. It just reminds me of the violence you already often did over me, about which I could not think, could not speak, about which so many Roma women keep quiet, unspeakable experiences within your feminism.

As men massively build their stereotypes on patriarchal narratives and treat women in very simplistic and hurtful ways, so can you, so you do that to men.  You dehumanize, you negate their experiences and women’s experiences with them. Again, there is no reason to exonerate men form their sins and violence they do over women, they are responsible as any agent, but please, do not push your simplistic interpretations over theirs and my life by not wanting to enter into the complexity of our humanity. Its simply not helpful, and its irritating as hell and makes me just more alienated from you as humans and feminists.