There are many interesting strategies of how one person can instrumentalze another. Cursed by my interest in feminism, for me very interesting ones are the ones usually used by men to instrumentalize women. It can be applied on different genders I suppose but I will stick to this old fashioned division. We all have needs and desires. We all want good things happening to us, I suppose. We all want to be treated as we are important, desirable, smart or beautiful, accepted and loved. And funny and horrible thing is what many of us would do to have this feeling.
People, I think, would use different strategies to get all these things because they are important. They are so important that they can make your life worth living or worth dying. As social creatures I suppose we need this as much as food. If you do not get this from your parents, or other people from whom your life depends when you are a kid, you become so terribly distorted. People suffer so much when they do not get it. Psychological pain of a child not shown that it is valuable, accepted, important and loved is unbearable I think. I think in grown up life it is also horrible, but I stick to this things in childhood since to me it seems it kills children’s humanity when they didn’t even manage to properly develop concepts of humanity and any strong defense mechanisms that would keep them safe.
Then these kids don’t die. They grow up with stolen selfrespect. They grow up screwed up with eaten dignity and in constant need and search for this feeling of being important, smart enough, beautiful enough, accepted, loved, desired by someone, anyone. They need it so terribly, and they suffer so terribly. They become very sensitive to any attention and care they get. Because, when you are in a chronic deficiency you develop special kind of sense for that. Also, you can be ready to pay high price for what you need so much. People can become easy targets for manipulation, and they become addicts. The addicts on anything and anyone who can provide at least something of what they need now, no matter how big is the price, what you need more and again, no matter what. You can be addicted to almost anything I think, food, sex, drugs, different behavior, work, and people. Whatever gives you this thrill, from which you feel calm, respected, loved, belonging, special, which then can give you, at least for a short time self-confidence and enjoyment in life.
Because people then do not think about consequences, they think about present moment only, which is understandable because they starve now, they can make wrong choices that are actually leaving them lower than where they started. It is then never reaching end that they want. They get far and farer from this end they desire with every decision they make.
All people who didn’t have enough of, I would say, love in general in their life are in the risk of addiction. Women with usually already degraded self- respect in patriarchal society often are under grate risk of addiction in this sense. Men are also, but they have more social power. What this means often is that they have more force to put in demand for these things. Not always, often. When they want these things they can pull out all their arsenal of patriarchal male gender powers and tools. Now, it is wrong since you actually cannot get what you need by force. This is the main problem.
I don’t know why, maybe for the same reason, seems to me people in need are not able to truly love other people, to care for them, to put other first sometimes, to respect them, they somehow are not capable of this, I suppose because they are addicts. They just want to be taken care of, and I suppose its difficult to blame them. And it needs a lot of strength when you are starving not to behave selfishly and not to steal from others food, or to even share little that you have for example. Its like suicide. I suppose its valid for men and women.
Little bit complicated, but people do not have care, love and respect in material terms, so it is not that they do not have these things, but they think they do not. I think when their dignity was taken they started to believe they do not value much and they cannot give much. And that they just need much to compensate for this love that they didn’t get. So, even though potentially every human can show care, respect, love to others, they feel like they cannot. And you know as an adult, that other adult humans would give you what you need in reciprocal relationships usually. They are not infants anymore. So what are they to do? They are screwed. Now it can be different for men and women. I tend to believe women are educated not to care for their needs so much, and to worry more how to please others. Men are learned to be proactive and to demand, and to demand specifically from women to please them.
THE GAME OF TWO ADDICTS
So I suppose men and women do this, but I think man more often come up with strategies. How to get their need meet without any intention to give back, since, as I think, they do not see they would be able to give back, or really they are not able. So, if you disguise your attentions you get what you want for some period of time. You can satisfy your needs in a certain very comfortable way.
It is a fraud. To be with somebody, to enjoy their company, to gain their trust, their will to help you, to do things for you, with you, to have sex and physical contact, simply to let you enjoy in what they are, what they build for many years, to get what they cherish the most, what they would actually do with people whom they trust, who they think really respects them, cares for them, loves them. And these men do not, but they sell this story that can last for some time. It’s a desperate move. They do not know what else to do I think, but still, they are behaving like thieves and hurt people and I have a need to see them as responsible in some way.
If you are screwed, i suppose good thing would be to search for help, try not to hurt others. But, no, they develop strange defense mechanism to justify this and to tell themselves this is not wrong. It is sad. When they try to sell this to others it makes me also angry. So, they do this, even play multiple games with people without regret. They have to be always prepared if one doesn’t work. They simply cannot afford to stay without their drugs. And I think they know its is wrong, they would try to come up with excuses, but i think many of them would not be sorry, if they are caught and say they are, my feeling is it might be true, but it is more likely they are lying, they are just sorry that they are caught and they try to manipulate again.
Now, you can force and blackmail people to be in a relation to you in a different way. You can simply provide them certain material benefits, commodity, whatever they cannot easily get in their position. It can work well. But to put that on the side, lets say women already have sufficient or men do not have wealth, so simply they do not have this to offer, in that case you can provide at least an idea that they can be accepted, respected and loved. As I said, this is another kind of weapon you can use to get what you want. That’s much better strategy I would say since it is not so easy to distinguish it from the real acceptance, respect and love, women stay much deeper in this illusion of a relation since they get hooked emotionally, and if they are in need it is much harder for them to face reality and give up from this illusion. And I think certain men do “smell” women who are in need. I am sure, since they are needy and not able to really love and care for others. They “smell” this as a hungry person smells food.
Now, it is very unfortunate since women want to believe them, they are also in need. They need to believe that somebody loves them, cares for them and would do I don’t know what for them. It is kind of normal I think, but when you are deprived of it, this becomes need, overwhelming need. So, sure they want this, they want this badly. Seems like they are also in this circle where they cannot really love people, in a sense to respect them and let them have their space, respect boundaries, theirs and his. So they need more. They need men who are willing to give them more. This more is really tricky. They can even come up with strategies to get it. It leads after to hell. I am not sure but people are able to love infants like that, endlessly I suppose. People cross their limits; they would do anything I suppose for their kids. Not that it is so in every case. But hypothetically lets assume this for helpless infants.
But when you are a grown up this “more” turns up to be not good, but very bad thing. I do not want to say women want bad things to happen to them. No. Thinking that it is something good, they end up in need of this desire to be unreasonable desire. It is unreasonable because it is asked from an adult. So it is kind of a selfish choice. They need these men to show them they do not care even for their own well being, that they, if needed, will sacrifice anything to be with them. To make irrational choices that would destroy these men. This means love for them unfortunately. It looks like to prove the value of their existence they need another person to nullify theirs. So it’s a play of two addicts. There are games women play, but I am more interested how men do it. For me very special and interesting cases are when men nevertheless promises to give everything that is wanted by these women, and how it ends up that they actually get or take everything from women, even women’s lives.
HOW IT WORKS?
So, these men are not able to give much, but, if you make the story right it is really easy. You have to convince women how you really mean this. Very ingenious is that you present yourself actually as a victim, the victim of this overwhelming love for them. So practically you are not responsible for whatever you do, it is almost their fault, whatever you do. So you have such a strong desire to be with them, to be present in every moment of their life, you just cannot live without them, you tell them some additional nice stories also, how they are whatever they want to believe they are…smart, beautiful, attractive, spiritual, queer…whatever.
Romantic stories are so good for this. You do silly things for women, you present yourself as very “terminally seriously in love” men who is even ready to marry them, this is so very good working for women in certain age when society expects from them to have serous relationships, or fiancé at least, if not marriage, so they themselves even start to question is there something wrong with them if they do not have relationship.
So, you occupy their time with pretext, and use it to penetrate their minds to take control. And they think its a good at the beginning, finally someone to appreciate them, imagine. If they would doubt you, they would doubt in your choice, in their own value. So they think it is a proof of your love, or their value, they really, really need this to be proof of their value. Since, unfortunately they cannot find this value in themselves, they learned as very young they do not value, (or I suppose it can happen when they had some other hard periods in their lives when they felt bad, not valuable, not competent, not loved, lonely, in need) so they desperately search for this confirmation in another people, a lot of confirmation, for any cost, at least this is how I understand it.
So, I would say, men train them. Men train them to connect some nice things they want with their presence. They are very nice, always available and there at the beginning. It is a phase of giving drugs free I think. So, women are happy for some time. They are even kind of proud when men start to do silly or crazy things to be with them, when they violate their own boundaries and these women’s boundaries. When they get little bit possessive, jealous, express their need excessively, start controlling parts of their lives. It can be very subtle, no obvious violence. You just find your days filled with these man. They do this at the beginning with pretext of their “crazy love” for them, and women might feel this is wrong, but they just believe it is because of that, because they are so valuable to them so they cannot bare to be without them, they believe their stories.
Good example also is sex, when men wants it so badly and they push women until they say yes even when they do not feel like doing it, with a story “because they are so sexy and they are so in love” or whatever. Or lets say sex without a condom, “because it is not natural, they want to really feel you, and connect with you, and why you worry, they care for you, off course they would be careful not to cum inside” or even crazier things like “at the end what if you get pregnant he will be there for you, don’t you want to be with him forever and have kids with him eventually” or whatever.
Now, this works also on highly educated women and feminist. Do not worry; they also get screwed up emotionally and in need. They are the most delicious targets here I would say, since they can offer so much. You can have many interesting conversations and pleasant evenings, discussing interesting topics, going to events, doing stuff, they can share their social networks, fulfill your intellectual needs. Fantastically amazing. Smart girls, feminist also, hooked up on these “romantic” bullshit stories, and they end up giving you whatever you want, whenever you want. Wow, can be harsh, people might be offended, but since I was there, than that, and since we are talking about brute instrumentalization, for me its like these women play a role of well-educated prostitutes for these men. Brother, you would have to pay a lot of money for just several hours of the company of these educated ladies I guess. And like this, you get everything for free! You just have to come up with a story.
AMAZING LOVE SLAVE STORY
And so, what is this amazing story? These men can present themselves as victims of love for women, fateful until death, blind for any other women, ready to commit, serious candidates for long term relations, little bit crazy, but hey, that’s because they are so much in love. Love would mean they respect women so much and consider them precious and unique. But strangely then slowly women find themselves in the situation to compromise more and more of their space, dignity, self-respect and control for these men, actually for what they made them believe they are and that they can offer, due to their demands, their persistent demands, demands coming from his “love” for you.
So, they use strategies that actually are genius- since he has so much emotions for you and he is in slavery almost, you cannot possible believe or dare to express your distrust in his intentions or question his acts as damaging for your dignity, your life , your health. You feel uncomfortable saying NO. If they want to see you when it is not comfortable for you, you do not feel ok saying NO. If you want to do things that do not includ them, you feel uncomfortable saying NO. If you do not feel comfortable having a chance of getting some genital disease or risk staying pregnant, you feel uncomfortable saying NO. Whatever you would like to do and they do not like it, you are uncomfortable saying NO to them.
Because they make it like it means you do not care for their enormous feelings for you, like it means you do not love them, do not respect and trust them. And basically I think it ends up that if you do not want to let them to be in control of many parts of your life, then it is not ok with them, then you demand too much of these ”irrational due to huge love for you” creatures.
And at the beginning I think women get along with this I suppose believing it not simply about instrumentalizeing and controlling their lives by another human. They think its seriously them making men do these things. They have this effect on men. Like even they are in control. And like they are getting something they wanted actually. Genius. You make auto censure. You are trained. You might end up doing so many things for them when they think is right and how they want it. You prioritize, you do what they want, when they want, in a way they want it, because he “loves” you, because he says he loves you, that he is in slavery of love for you, and he pull this card whenever you do not feel like doing what he wants – you do not value his emotions and you do not trust him to put control over your life into his hands. What a cruel joke it is.
And off course, he is alright in slavery, slavery of his selfish needs, not of genuine care, respect and love for you. No. It is not it. And off course, why would you need man to be in some kind of slavery of your love at all! Why would you make slaves of people? And this even works when from the start you made clear you do not need any slavery, even when you actually stressed you give them absolute freedom, even if you say strong NO THANKS to any slavery oriented actions of theirs! They do not hear you, they do not listen whatever you say actually, not surprisingly, since all they hear is their need. They keep convincing you they are drowning in emotions for you and only letting them control your life can save them. So even your friendship, or any kind of relation with them can be their playground.
ITS DIFFICULT, YOU ARE AN ADULT
Women are then in a difficult situation. First to realize there is no such person you needed. There is no person who cares and loves you so, so much, as your caregivers should. No. You are an adult, and you will never get this unconditional self-sacrificing love that humans can give to helpless infants.Not without a price. You are an adult so you should expect people who respect you as an adult to treat you like one. It means, I think, not to ask from others to confirm your value by constant sacrifice. It means respecting your NO, making you confortable saying NO, and not asking or expecting, or tolerating this “crazy love” and allowing them also to comfortably say NO.
Second, to realize you were manipulated, and you were manipulated by a person you thought you knew and you trusted in such a personal level and in many areas of your life that it is like retrospectively day to day physical and mental rape, and it hurts very much. You have to deal with the pain. As you dealt with the pain inflicted by your caregivers before I suppose. This is very hurtful.
Thirdly, to realize you wanted it to be true, so you have certain responsibility in this situation. You can feel again you failed, again putting on your low self-respect lack of ability to choose good things and good people for yourself, to control your life. Once again you can ask yourself what is wrong with you, are you only good for this kind of treatment? And you have to make cleaning in that sense, to understand what actually your responsibility is and what it is not. I think this is the hardest part since I believe women tend to blame themselves in their low self-esteam and men use this.
THEIR EXCUSES AND IS IT YOUR FAULT?
Might be I am not right here, but even if you saw the signs but you disregarded them, nevertheless you are not responsible for being manipulated. Because it is a manipulation done by them. You are not responsible for being in need of love. He would also not be responsible for that, problem is he used manipulation to satisfy his needs. He gave you false idea about himself and his intentions, like he is the one who can satisfy your needs, to get your trust, respect, care, your body, love. You were lead to believe he can provide what you wanted under certain conditions. Condition was to love you and cherish you very much, jusutified or not, even to sacrifice himself for you, but not to control you, to use you as a mare mean, instrument for satisfying his needs by pretext of all this. And he does not care for you. NO. He does not. He just cares for the instrument satisfying his needs-in this case you, and if you are not there he would find another one, very quickly.
And on the top of everything if you manage to ask some questions you will be faced with amazing force to believe it is entirely your fault. You made him feel these emotions, you said yes to his demands, never mind he blackmailed you with his emotions, and how dare you to ask anything, and how dare you to insinuate his bad intentions and ability to lie to satisfy his needs, using you.
And ah, romantic stories might look cheese, but no! It is not so hard since woman in need already need to believe someone can love her so much. And this is an argument they would later use to tell you that you actually wanted it, that you agreed with the conditions. But you didn’t. You needed real thing, which they promised to deliver, which is why you gave them your trust and yourself in general.
Some would say it wasn’t the manipulation. They really meant it. They were in love. That was love. But, unfortunately they are creatures of emotions and cannot restrain their emotions that are so changeable. Bad luck that their opinion and emotions just change how it suits them, not you. For example if they had similar relationship with other people while they were still with you. They do love you, they care for you, but how can they say no to their needs. You have to understand.
JUST WALK AWAY
And anyway it gets too late to argue. They got what they wanted by fraud, they will never accept responsibility and your plea for justification, so only thing you can do is to walk away with bad taste in your mouth, if not hatred and resentment. So you should really do this as soon as possible. It is always better to do it eventually then never.
Then you have to do damage control. It takes time and effort, even money. It is costly. Women spend so much time in self-healing after these instrumentalizations, that they could really use to do so many other things beneficial for their own good and benefit to society in general. If it is not already done, I think it would be great to see results of some statistical analysis of this really. But at the end what you can do is just to walk away I think. These people feed on your emotions and your time. What you can do is to walk away, take time to think about it, write about it, learn from it, do something useful and creative with it, and just totally exclude them from your life since you cannot even be friend with these people. Simple because even if you give them a chance after what they did, they will just misuse it and you will end up hurt again. They are somehow unable to value you as a person, not to see you as a tool for their needs. So just walk away.
If you really want good things for yourself you have to do this. When you do this, they will cry and wine and squeal like dogs, hungry dogs, they will promise to change, to do whatever you want, still by this asking you to believe them, to believe their promises as their words value something. This is critical; they are asking you to once more believe in a fake story that you actually want to believe. But, you have to know, it is never going to happen. Now, this mechanism is valid I think for grate range of situations, it can range from small things that can hurt you to severe physical violence.
As I know from some statistics women get back to abusive relationships in average 9 times before they finally leave, and it never gets better, just worse. These periods when men are nice and periods when they become very cruel, this circle of violence just gets shorter. And unfortunately women do not even finally leave after being severely disrespected, abused even beaten for years. They usually leave when they realize it is the life of their kid in jeopardy for example.
So, when this happens, when you stop believing in this story, men start to behave like puppies with sad eyes, louring every moment to be with you, to speak to you, to put their hands on you. Then, if that doesn’t work they might get angry. This is when men do realize they lost control over women. The greatest risk of violence for women is when they are leaving these men. You will see then what they are ultimately capable of doing.
YOU ARE OK, YOU DESERVE BETTER
So, the best thing to avoid this scenario is i think to somehow try to find love for yourself in yourself and from real friends. Not to expect from men to give you more than adult can give to an adult, respect of yours and theirs boundaries. To recognize these small things at the beginning as what they are, acts of control and manipulation. Try not to compromise your dignity and your life because of feeling of loneliness and lack of love. Not to lower your standards, not to think it is too much to demand equal treatment, respect, right to say NO when you are with somebody. Try to keep your dignity and humanity, because it should never be a price for their company and love. It is not love then. Love includes your dignity and your humanity.
So be sure, it is not love if you feel pressured to say YES, when you are not sure you want something, no matter what the story behind is. Be sure it is not love. And I think the best thing you can do at the beginning is to see how men reacts when you say NO to things they really want. If they start pushing and blackmailing you with emotions, be sure it is going to end up with you being hurt. You have to walk away then.
This is painful because you might end up alone. People are scared of that. Also, when you do not love yourself enough you have a hard time seeing people who might just love you for real. But there is no other way I think. If you go along with this at the end you will never get what you want, you end up just being worse then you were. So, I don’t know what else, you just have to think about the ways how to start changing what you want. To get rid of this need for “crazy love ” from others, and I don’t know how, but I try to work on love for myself. I don’t have a bloody idea how to achieve this in reality. I know it is not very helpfull to say “just say NO”. Many years of some therapy and what not to get rid of this feeling of loneliness and feeling of not being loved, support from precious friends with whom you can talk to and who can tell you you are ok, but still, it’s a constant struggle.
Society does not support much healing from addiction for male of female or from gender based violence. It rejects every addicts and abused women, and additional actually supports abusers, so you have to deal with it by yourself. Sometimes you fight back this need to believe liers; sometimes you trade off yourself for a peace of something that you want to believe is love. Take care of yourself. Forgive yourself for your weakness at that moment and get your life back.When you are in relation with anyone it should not be demanded from you to lower your demand for respect.
It is very difficult, especially if you do not have social support and people who would tell you you deserve better. Some people will say you are a bitch then, stone cold bitch, or that you do not know how to love, or that you are frigid feminist, selfish or whatever. They will say it if you show you can live without these men, without their abuse, because you demand life free from this abuse, even if the only thing you demand is equal treatment. Yes. So you have to walk away. And do it soon, as soon as possible, as soon as they do not steel even your idea that you can live without them really. And be sure they are capable of making you believe this if you let them long enough in your life. They have years of practice and patriarchal society behind them to do so.
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